Monday, January 9, 2012

Voices inside my head

Down but not out. Up up up. Nope. Dowwwwwn. Psychotic. No, no. I'm fine. *hold breath*

I got a nice glimpse last week of how I spent my late teen years and most of my 20s. I want to blame it on being over caffeinated, but being over stressed, mixed with darkened days, and an arctic front moving in I hit the trifecta of anxiety, depression, and angst. I'm pretty sure the universe sent that gorgeous 55 degree, sunny Saturday to the northeast for me. By Saturday morning, as I pushed my son in a swing at a gorgeous playground in Sudbury, I was OK again. A-OK.

But basically, I remembered what I had felt for years. Blackness, sadness, and paranoia. I became antisocial, had conversations in my head with people (um, creative energy!?) and tried to remember they weren't true. It was like lucid nightmares all day Friday. Gray and twisted. For no reason at all, which is the hardest thing to understand. It began Thursday evening as I skipped my yoga because...for no reason. I just sat on the living room floor. For 4 hours. Then woke up Friday feeling blue. I immediately told my husband so he would know and understand, and just tried to make it through the day. I skipped another workout--which may have helped me, it definitely couldn't have hurt--and barely spoke at all at work. A writing assignment got pushed back. A creative thing I was doing was filed away. My knitting needles were clumsy in my hand. OK, that one is normal. Friday evening at our house was quiet as the flickering TV held conversations for us. Husband was coming down with a cold, and I was trying my hardest not to be dragged into the depths of the creases of the couch.

When we went to bed I couldn't sleep. I can't remember the last time this happened. But I drifted off, and when I woke up the film had lifted. It was sunny, warm, and bright. Plus we were running late, so buzzing around helped get my energy level back up. When I went for a run later that day, I tried to stomp the negative thoughts out. And I could tell they were weakening. Finally I screamed at them to stop. And they did.

Determined not to start the week the way it ended, I changed my routine today. Curled my hair and parted it differently, took my time going out the door, had a coffee in the car, and read a book on the train instead of sleeping. I approached my office work as something I was good at instead of someplace I was stuck. Friday remained in the past.

So the voices are quiet again. I'm not entirely energetic, but it's January and cold.

I am going to chalk this one up to the end of the holidays. For the past three weeks we have celebrated and seen family and friends. Plus, my mother just left for Florida until April, and I think this bothers me more than I thought it would. I have a week in Florida to look forward to, and a supportive family around me.

Countdown to palm trees: 34 days.

1 comment:

Lorita said...

*Hug* I always admire your strength - that you know that you have the power to silence the voices in your head is something to be celebrated.